


Like You Wanna Be Loved

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, MoC!angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 05:59:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16738444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: Dean is no longer a demon but the mark is still affecting him. We follow Dean’s pov in this 3 part series as he fights to free himself of the hold the mark of Cain has on him aswell try to figure out what his relationship with Y/N is and what he want it to be.





	1. Cold Coffee

**Author's Note:**

> Each part is based on an Ed Sheeran song and I recommend you listen to them before reading. The drabbles are the same events as the part they are named after - only it is a lot shorter and from reader’s POV.

“We better get some sleep. It’s been a long day,” Sam sent Dean a relieved smile and reached out a hand to Y/N, “come on I’ll help you find a not dusty room.”

Dean’s heart fell a little as she said goodnight and followed Sam out of the room but he was intend on not showing it. “Good luck. They probably haven’t been cleaned for months.” Sam laughed before closing the door behind him, “I was kinda busy looking for you dude!” And then they were gone and Dean was alone in the room he used to love. He still loved he guessed. Feelings. Loving things. Caring about things. Being afraid. Feeling remorse. It was overwhelming and new - yet familiar. It was like a knot reappearing in his chest after having been gone for so long and he knew he wasn’t going to get much sleep tonight but maybe he could get some rest. Dean fell back on his bed, placing his head phones on his ears and his arm under his neck.

But every time he closed his eyes he saw the panicked look on his brother’s face as he broke through that door with a hammer. He saw the pain and terror on Y/N’s face as he had flung her across the floor. Worse than that he remembered simply not caring. Not caring about his brother he had spent his life trying to protect. Not caring about the woman that had been there for him. For Sam. Ever since they first met her two years ago.

He smiled at the memory of how she had gotten the drop on his brick house brother and how he has had to talk her out of slicing his throat. Granted Sam had been rusty from a year out of the life but Dean had still been impressed and when he had talked her out of killing his brother for what she had called “getting in her way” he had offered her to finish the hunt with them. She had reluctantly agreed but since she realized there was not getting rid of the brothers she had joined them. More than once after that and he had been right about her that night. She was tough. Hell she had saved his and Sam’s lives half a dusin times after that.

He closed his eyes again and this time he saw her. Only this time the pain on her face had not been a physical one and the look she had given him had not been one of terror but one of need and desperation. She had been soaked to the bone that night she had knocked on his motel room door. She had called him a few hours earlier and begged him to meet her. Sam had been asleep. Worn out from the second trial and Dean had been hesitant to leave him alone in the bunker but something in her voice had compelled him to do so anyway. As soon as he saw her he knew he had made the right call and he didn’t hesitate to pull her into his arms. He had held her tightly as she sobbed against him. She had told him her story that night. How she got started in the life. How she, her sister and her parents had been on a camping trip when a Wendigo had attacked them. She had gotten away barely and when she had told the police the story they had, had her admitted to a hospital. After being there for a few years she had finally managed to lie well enough to be released and then her life had begun. She had found every book and website possible on anything supernatural. She had educated and trained herself and on the three year anniversary of her family’s deaths she had killed the thing that had killed them. It had been the five year anniversary of her first kill and the eight year anniversary of her parents and sister’s death that night she had knocked on his door.

He remembered how she had looked at him when she finally stopped talking. How he had gently stroked a hair away from her eyes before she had crashed her lips against his. Knocking him off balance and making him take a few steps back. She had begged him to touch her. To fuck her. To make her feel anything that wasn’t the pain she was feeling and he had. In the morning she had been gone. Leaving a note thanking him. Dean remembered the confusion he had felt that morning. How part of him had wanted to take off after her and another part needing to get back to his brother. The ladder had won that day but it had not been the last time she needed him or he her.

She had kept hunting with them when they needed her too and they her when she needed them. Dean had never told Sam about the development between Y/N and himself. Partly because he had no idea how to explain it and partly because talking about it would make it real. It would force him to label it. To figure out how he was feeling and he couldn’t. Out of fear he would lose her if she didn’t feel the same way or worse. That she would feel the same way and that he would still lose her. He was poison to the people he loved. He always had been but with the mark on his arm he himself could be a danger to her.

Still he couldn’t stop. He still came to her when he needed to escape like she had kept coming to him. They had met in hiding away from Sam, Cas and the bunker. It was their unspoken agreement to keep that thing - whatever it was between them a secret. What happened between them stayed between them and them alone. Whether it be a fast fuck in the alley behind a bar with Sam still inside working out the feelings from a hunt ended badly, a heated make out session turning into something more in the backseat of the impala after leaving Sam at a motel working out the high of a hunt ending not so badly or just plainly one of them needing to forget whatever crap in their lives was eating at them at that moment in time bringing them to some shady motel room bed and into each other’s loving arms.

Dean took a deep breath as he fought back the tears as he realized she’d never come to him again and that he couldn’t go to her. Not after this. Not after the things he had said to her in that bar.  _“What are you even doing here? You really think you can convince me to change? You?! You are just some girl that cried her way into my bed! You are nothing to me. Nothing but a great fuck! You never were! Oh are you going to cry again now? How about we go find a bed! Or maybe on the pool table is good?! You were always cheap enough to do it where ever and whenever I wanted too anyway!”_

Dean kicked of the covers and started pacing the floor as he kept seeing the tears stream down her face. Tears he had caused. Tears that were still there when Sam had entered the bar. Tears that had turned into fear when she listened to Dean threaten to rip his brother’s throat out with his teeth. The fear that had turned to terror when he had come at both of them when he had gotten lose in the bunker. He knew that they had forgiven him. He saw that in their eyes tonight when they looked at him but he also knew there was no forgetting what he had done. What he had said. The way he had hurt her! Whatever it was. Whatever that thing between them had been. It was over now.

Dean suddenly felt like he was suffocating in his small room so he walked out into the hallway down to the library where he was surprised to still find a light on. “Sam?” Dean called out for his brother as quietly as possible. The last thing he wanted to do was wake up Y/N. After tonight she needed some rest. Hell after the past few days. She deserved better than this.

“Hey? It’s me!” her voice was barely a whisper as she peeked out behind one of the shelves, “I thought you’d be asleep Dean. What are you doing up?” Her worried expression was like a dagger to his heart. How could she look at him like that, hell how could she even care about him the slightest after what he’d done to her? “Just restless,” he offered her a smile and sat down at one of the tables. “You?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” she shrugged but Dean knew her. He could see she was hiding something so he got up. He walked over to the table where she had been piling up books and he quickly recognized a few of them, “Cain?” Dean sighed, “Y/N this isn’t your problem anymore.” Dean turned around to look at her and he wanted to kick himself, realizing to late the effect his words have had on her. She looked as if she was fighting back her tears as she pushed the book she had been holding back onto the shelf.

“Okay. I’ll be gone in the morning,” her sniffles barely audible as she tried to push past him but before he had time to think he grabbed her arm preventing her from leaving, “that’s not what I meant Y/N. I just don’t want to see you get hurt because of a choice I made.” She looked up into his eyes and his heart almost stopped. Was that adoration he saw behind her tear blurry eyes? It couldn’t be could it? Not after the things he had done. Had that always been there? How had he not noticed before if it had? Suddenly he couldn’t help himself. He bent down and slowly brushed his lips over hers, “do you need a helping hand falling asleep tonight?” Dean whispered closely against her ear before grazing his lips over her jaw line. He pulled back a little and stared into her Y/E/C eyes as he watched her nod.

Dean immediately wrapped his arms around her pulling her as close to his body as humanly possible and he kissed her. With all the emotion he hadn’t been able to feel the past three month. With all the emotions that were now suddenly clear to him maybe because they had left him for so long. He wanted her. He needed her. In his bed, in his life, in his heart – and he needed her to know that but he couldn’t say it so he kissed her. She was heaving for air when Dean reluctantly broke the kiss, “Dean we can’t… Sam!”

Dean smiled at her. Relieved that was her reason and not any of the past events. “He’s asleep. It’s okay sweetheart,” and just like that she threw herself into his arms just like she had that first night but this time he was ready. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he caught her. Kissing him passionately as Dean carried her back towards his room. Towards his bed.

Dean felt the warmth of her soft naked skin beneath his hands as he carried her and he silently thanked who ever was listening for neither of them wearing much clothing (he was in sweats and a t-shirt and she was in a thang top and boxer pjs). He had needed her before but never as badly as he did in this moment and apparently she felt the same way. When they reached his room he had pushed the door shut behind him and tried to put her down but she wouldn’t have it. She clung to him. He legs tightly wrapped around his waist and her arms around his neck as she kept kissing him leaving either of them little chance to breath.

Dean obliged her need and seated himself on the edge of his bed with her still in his arms. Only then did she break her hold of him a little as her legs went to straddle his legs and then he felt her tears against his face. She was crying. Dean quickly placed his hands on her neck pulling her back gently but firmly allowing him to look at her but she wouldn’t. Her eyes shot down as he searched her face and his heart shattered into pieces, “Y/N, I’m so sorry sweetheart! What I said…. I didn’t mean…” Dean struggled for words and she still didn’t look at him so he readjusted his hands sliding them up her cheeks using his thumbs to gently press up her chin. When her eyes found his he spoke, “I didn’t mean that! You gotta believe me. You were never just anything to me and you never will be!”

“I know that Dean. It is not that! Promise me you’ll fight. I can’t watch you become… that again,” tears were streaming down her face and Dean felt all the weight of the mark crush down on him yet again. He knew it was still affecting him. That it would turn him again one day but how could he tell her when she was looking at him like that. “Y/N I…” Dean began but stopped as he saw the despair on her face and she started pounding her fists against his chest, “promise me Dean!! Promise me!!”

“Whoa whoa hey,” Dean closed his hands around her wrists holding her still, “I promise okay? I promise!” She nodded silently with tears still streaming down her face and Dean let go of her writs as he leaned in and kissed them away. His hands landed on her hips gently squeezing her as he felt her hands on his chest. His lips moved to find hers in a tender kiss that gradually became hungrier as he felt her hands move down to his abdomen and under his shirt before she grabbed the edges and pulled. Dean leaned back and held his arms over his head helping her remove it before he did the same to her. He ran one hand up her back and into her hair pulling her body closely against his as he kissed her again. Her moans and the feel of her warm soft breasts pressing against his own naked chest went straight to his cock so he wrapped his arms tightly around her and got up. Shifting her so she was lying on her back on his bed looking up at him as he began kissing and licking his way down her body. Taking his time. Enjoying the feel of her warm soft body under his hands. The taste of her sweet skin on his tongue. The way her hands felt against his arms, his back and in his hair.

He slowly pulled down her boxers and panties before kissing his way up her leg until he reached her core. He started out gently and teasingly until she begged him for more. He loved when she begged. The need in her voice. Her want for him. So he obliged pushing his tongue inside her. Reveling in her flavor as his hands pressed down on her hips holding her still as he ate her out. He made her come on his tongue twice and he would have been happy to keep going but she begged him to let her feel him. To fuck her. So he got up. He quickly kicked of his pants and boxers before lowering himself down to kiss her but she surprised him.

She wrapped her leg around his waist and pushed harshly against his shoulders and within seconds he was lying on his back on the bed with her laughingly straddling his waist. “You Winchesters are way too easy to get on your backs,” she teased referring to their first met making Dean laugh, “well sweetheart I am the one with the dagger this time!”

“Dean that’s just wrong,” she pulled a face at him and her soft laughter sent a shiver through his body, “if I weren’t so horny I would leave!” “How about you come again instead,” Dean winked at her earning himself a soft slap on the chest before she reached down between them. Stroking him a few times before a lining his throbbing length with her entrance, “how about I make you come?” “That works,” Dean groaned as she sunk herself down onto him. Taking him in all the way to the root.

He ran her hands up her thighs, over her sides to her breast. Enjoying how she threw her head back trying to adjust to his seize. God she was beautiful. Her hair was messy from squirming on the bed, her lips were swollen from kissing his and her soft warm skin was glistening with sweat. And that sound she made when she started moving on top of him. Jesus Christ it was all he could do not to come right then and there. He led her ride him for a few minutes. Use him how ever she wanted as he watched her. The way her breasts swayed with each movement. The way she threw back her head and bid her lip when something felt especially good. He let his hands roam her body. Feeling the way she shivered beneath his touch but when his name fell from her lips he couldn’t control himself any longer. He wrapped his arms around her and rolled them both over, placing himself on top of her as he started thrusting into. Hard and fast. She was moaning and calling out his name which only spurred him on. He eyes went blank as the pleasure overtook her. He was in complete control as he fucked her boneless and soon he felt her coming apart beneath him. Around him. Clawing his skin and screaming his name which he quickly muffled with a long wet kiss. He kiss became tenderer as he regained control of his body and he moved slowly inside her as he came down of her high.

He kissed his way down her jawline to her collarbone where he sucked down leaving his mark before kissing his way up her neck and teasingly whispering in her ear, “I’ll let you finish on top if you don’t wake Sammy!” Dean laughed as he felt you tangle her legs with his and pushed all her weight against his shoulder effectively rolling them over, “what do you mean you’ll let me Winchester!” She retorted before setting a pace that matched the one Dean had just fucked her with and he growled in pleasure forgetting all about a snarky comeback.

He didn’t long before he exploded inside of her and he felt her fall forward shivering from yet another orgasm and he wrapped his arms around her gently trusting up into her milking himself of every last drop and working them both through their pleasure.

Dean slept soundly that night and he didn’t wake up until he felt her lips against his neck. Kissing him and softly calling his name. He let out a quiet growl as he wrapped his arms around her. He could get used to her waking him up like that. He opened his eyes when she started giggling against the crook of his neck, “wake up Dean. We fell asleep and Sam’s up. I heard him. You need to get up and distract him!”

“Why?” Dean rolled over pinning her beneath him and kissing her tenderly. He watched her smile and enjoyed the feel of her hands cupping his face, “so I can sneak back to my room you idiot!” In that moment he wanted nothing more than to tell her stay with him forever. To ask her to tell him how to fall in love with her the way she wanted him to cause he was falling. No matter how hard he was fighting it he couldn’t deny it any longer and he wished to God she was too. Or that he could just allow himself to tell her but instead he kissed her neck and gently bid her earlobe, “we don’t have to get up yet. He won’t come in here. You could stay here for now. We could go back to sleep or…” he suggestively let his words trail off making her laugh. That laugh that made his skin shiver and he tried his best to hide his disappointment when she pushed him of her, “no! We can’t take the chance. Go talk to your brother!”

“Alright,” Dean reluctantly got out of bed looking back at her still lying naked and glorious on his sheets and he silently hoped his love would be enough to make her stay. For him to fight the mark and the darkness inside of him. To keep her safe but with him. To keep her in his life forever. But he said nothing he just smiled at her, “I’ll get your tea ready.”

“Two sugars,” she winked at him as she fished her top of the floor and he smiled, “I know!”


	2. Cold Coffee Drabble

“Sam you know he still isn’t cured right? He still has the mark and if it turned him into a demon once it…” you looked up at the man beside you and you saw the worry in his eyes when he smiled. “One problem at the time Y/N. We just got him back. Let’s just enjoy the victory for a second and get some sleep.”

Sam had hugged you and walked back to his own room, but you couldn’t sleep. You tossed and turned in your bed for well over an hour before finally giving up. You silently got out of bed and headed to the library without bothering to get dressed. There had to be something in the lore that could help them. Help Dean.

*****

You didn’t hear him come in. Not until he called out Sam’s name. For some reason his presence made you nervous. It never had before but you kept seeing his black eyes whenever you closed yours and you still heard his voice in your head telling you, you were nothing but a cheap fuck. You took a deep breath as you decided not to care. Even if that was how he really felt you still cared about him. You still needed to save him.

You saw the surprise on his face when you stepped out behind the shelves. He looked so tired it made you wanna throw yourself into his arms and hold him until he fell asleep but you didn’t. Instead you felt the tears starting to build behind your eyes as Dean spoke with his back turned to you, “It’s not your problem anymore Y/N!” He really didn’t care. Maybe he never had. Fine if he wanted you gone, you’d be gone. You could still help Sam and not be near him, “I’ll be gone in the morning.”

Dean’s touch as he reach out and stopped you were like a jolt of electricity to your body. You hadn’t realized how much you missed him until you looked up into those beautiful green eyes. The eyes of a man that carried the weight of the world. A man that blamed himself for everything bad that ever happened around him. The man that had always been there for you whenever you needed him to be. The man you loved. And when he brushed his lips over yours and offered you a place in his bed for the night all you could do was nod as you felt your entire body react to him. You wanted him. Needed him close. The real him! So you jumped. Straight into his arms. Clinging to him as he carried you to his room.

For some reason you couldn’t let go when he tried to put you down. Like if he did. If you stopped touching him even for a second you would lose him again.

You felt the tears start streaming down your face and Dean motioned to look at you but you couldn’t. You wanted to be strong for him and now you were breaking down in front of him crying and hitting his chest, begging him to fight the mark. How easy he was able to calm you back down scared you sometimes. It was like he transferred a little bit of his own strength to you with the warm touch of his hands.

*****

You were on your back. His hands clenched against your hips. Hard enough to keep you still. Hard enough to leave a mark. But you didn’t care. All you cared about was the feel of him between your legs. His scruff against your thighs, his nose against your clit and his tongue inside of you. Working you like an instrument he pulled first one then two orgasms from your shaking body and you knew he would have kept going had you not begged him to fuck you. You needed him. To be close to him. To feel him inside you. To let him help you both forget about the past three month and about the mark on his arm.

*****

Leave it to Dean to have you laughing on top of him naked. He was always able to do that. He made sex fun. With him it wasn’t just a release. It was so much more than that. And then you sank down on him and the feel of his hands. His cock. It sat you on fire. You didn’t even care about the smug look on his face as he rolled you over. All you cared about was him. You bit you lip as you tried to prevent yourself from screaming as he thrusted into you. Hiding your g-spot with dead accuracy each time he slammed into you and soon you couldn’t hold back. You screamed his name as your third orgasm of the night overtook you and Dean quickly muffled you by plunging his tongue into your mouth, “I’ll let you finish on top of you don’t wake Sammy!”

Seconds later Dean was on his back with you riding him. Hard. Wanting. Needing to make him feel as good as he made you feel and when he exploded inside you, you came again.

*****

He fell asleep with you still on his chest. With his strong arms wrapped around you and you felt the mark pressed against your back. You laid still for a while listening to his heartbeat, feeling the safety of his strength and the warmth of his skin against yours. “I will find a way to save you Dean Winchester. Even if it is the last thing I do. I love you!” you whispered against his neck before pressing your lips against his skin as you fell asleep.


	3. Friends

Dean pressed his foot down on the pedal making the impala shoot through the night. Away from the bunker. Away from all the people he loved and that he now was a danger too. Away from his brother and the blame. Away from his best friend and the resentment. Away from her and the betrayal.

Dean clenched his jaw as he tried to will away the feelings of the darkness inside him. The feelings that he knew weren’t truly his. The blind hatred towards the people he loved. The people he once would have done anything to protect.

He thought of the angel. His best friend. He thought of the way Castiel had fought for him. Rebelled against heaven and stood by his side through the coming of the apocalypse. Fought by his side in purgatory. How he had watched him die and come back time and time again. Always returning to his side – always willing to fight alongside for him whenever he needed him too. But again the darkness in him won. He thought about Cas lying to him. Going behind his back. He thought about Castiel choosing his brother’s word over his.

His brother! Sam! Dean clenched down on the wheel as he tried to push away the hate that lay dormant inside of him. He knew it was not his. He could never hate Sam – never! He was his brother. The one constant throughout his entire life and his only family. Dean felt the tears press against his eyes as he saw Sam jump into the cage. Saw how he suffered through the trials – felt how his words had drilled into his soul. “ _I am saying if you wanna be brothers…._ ” But he had been right then. He should never had come back to the life he had life behind him that day on bridge. He was poison. Now more so than ever. He didn’t deserve to be his brother. He had to leave and never come back!

Tears were streaming down his face as he thought of her. Her smile and her laughter – the things he seemed to have robbed her of. He could still feel the warmth of her soft skin under his hands. Her gentle touch against his cheek. He smiled though his tears as he remembered those first few months when she had stayed with them at the bunker. The sneaking into each other’s rooms in the middle of the night. The laughter and joy he had felt in those moments he had spent alone with her. He had loved waking up next to her. To watch her look unburden and young as she snuggled against him in her sleep.

She had been his safety. His safe haven – his way of forgetting the world around him and the curse on his arm. But that was before. Before he started to scare her. Before he had killed those men with the blade nowhere near him. Before he had pinned her against his door when she came to him that night. His jaw clenched again as he thought about how he had used her. How he for the first time in his life had fucked her with no thought in his head but to find his own release. How she had let him. He thought about the bruises he had put on her skin and the way she had bit down on his shoulder desperately trying to keep in her screams. To keep their secret from his brother and the angel still sitting in the library. How he had come before her and how she hadn’t seemed to care. She had just run her hands soothingly up and down his back helping him down of his high. Bringing him back to reality. To the reality of what he had just done to her and the remorse.

He had tried to make it up to her that night. Kissing every bruise he had left behind. Apologizing with his words, his hands, his tongue but nothing he ever did could ever take away the bruises he had left on her soul. The way she looked at him had changed after that. The care and love was still there but underneath it, there was fear. He had made her fear him and there was nothing he could ever do to make her forget. To make himself forget.

Dean slammed down the breaks and punched the wheel over and over as he remembered how he had wanted to ask her to stay but he couldn’t. Not in front of them. Maybe not even had they been alone. They weren’t friends they were something else but there was a limit to what he could ask of her and he knew she would be safer with Cas than with him. Even if they were going after Cain.

Dean remembered the look he had shared with Cas that day – his silent plea for the angel to protect her. To bring her back safely. Cas had just nodded – understanding without Dean ever having to speak a word and he had kept his secret as well as his silent promise.

Dean let himself fall down by the side of the car pressing his back against her as he thought about that day they had returned to him.

_“Dean you don’t have to do this!” she came into his room as he hung up with Crowley and tossed the phone into his bag. “Yes Y/N yes I do!”_

_He watched her silently close the door behind her before walking towards him. She ran her hands up his stomach and over his chest before resting them on his neck gently pulling him down into a soft tender kiss and Dean wrapped his arms around her. It was the first time they had ever done that. Kissed with no anticipation of anything else going to happen. Kissing just because they wanted to and Dean fought back his tears as he poured all his emotions into that kiss. Silently telling her he loved her even though he knew he could never say those words out loud. Not now. They weren’t friends. They were something else. Friends don’t kiss each other like that. There was a time they could have been anything but Dean knew that time had long passed. He weren’t going to drag her down with him. After all he had done to her – that was the one thing he knew he couldn’t do._

Dean twitched and his hand shot to his arm as he thought about that night. That night he had killed Cain but it was not the act of killing him so much as his words that still haunted him. _  
_

_Dean was lying on the floor. Broken and defeated when Cain spoke._

_“Has it ever occurred to you, have you ever mused on the fact that you’re living my life in reverse? My story began when I killed my brother and that’s where your story inevitably will end.”_

_Dean felt his words hit him like a sledgehammer and the fight began to return to his body, “no never!”_

_Cain kicked him back down and continued his speech that would go on to hunt Dean ever since. “It is called the Mark of Cain for a reason! First. First you’ll kill Crowley. There will be some strange mixed feelings on that one but you’ll have your reason. You will get the job done. No remorse. Then you will kill the angel Castiel and that I suspect would hurt something awful! And then…”_

_Cain jumped on top of him pressing the blade against his throat while Dean saw their faces flash before his eyes. Crowley’s, Castiel’s Sam’s, her’s!_

_“and then would come the murder you never would survive. The one that would finally turn you into as much of a savage as it did me.”_

_Dean knew what Cain was going to say before he said it and he felt the fight return to him once again, “no!”_

_“Your brother Sam.” But then he stopped and stared into Dean’s eyes, “or maybe you are right! Maybe it wouldn’t end there. Maybe that girl. Y/N maybe she would be able to bring a piece of you back. Maybe she would be able to keep part of you human like Colette did for me but need I remind you how that ended. I killed her too Dean as will you her!”_

_“NO!!” Dean fought to get up from under him but no luck and that is when he saw the knife._

_“She will die Dean and maybe you will be able to keep your promise to her for some time. No more killing but the Mark will win in the end. It always does. The only thing standing between you and that destiny is this blade. You are welcome my son!” Dean raised the blade but before it could reach Dean’s neck he grabbed the knife from Cain’s jacket and swung. Cutting of his hand sending it flying through the air along with the blade. He had won! For now…_

Dean remembered seeing their faces as he walked out of that barn. He remembered the worry on all of their faces but he was still him. Cain’s words still rung in his brain but he was still him. He could still feel. Feel the friendship and trust with Cas, feel the love and protectiveness for his brother and his adoration for Y/N and the strength he found whenever he was near her. He was still him. But the words hunted him and he knew the pain in his eyes had been obvious to her as his gaze found hers as his brother hugged him tight holding him up. 

Dean had retreated to his room and into his shower that night as soon as Sam had let him. He had placed himself under the stream of hot water hoping it would wash away Cain’s words and the pain and the fear they had brought with them. Dean’s head fell between his legs and his hands ran up and down his neck as he thought of her hands wrapping around his waist that night. The feel of her soft warm skin pressing against his back and her lips trailing his shoulder blades. 

_He couldn’t help it he leaned back into her touch. He knew he should have pulled away. Hurt her, if that was what it took to keep her away from him. To keep her safe from him and that damn mark on his arm. On his soul._

_His hands found hers as he felt her hot breath against his neck, “let me help you fall asleep tonight!” And he closed his eyes feeling all will to resist her drain from his body. He needed her tonight more than ever. Maybe it was her love that was going to get him through this. Maybe Cain had been right about that part but the rest…._

_For the millionth time that night he promised himself he would never let it get that far. He would never hurt his friend, his brother or … whatever she was to him. He knew what he wanted her to be. His. But he also knew that couldn’t happen not while he bore the mark. Not while he was still a danger to her._

_Dean slowly turned around to face her and the sight of her damn near took his breath away. The way the water drops ran down her soft light skin. It was almost as if she was glistening. Her lips were slightly parted and her eyes… There was no fear in them tonight only trust and that adoring look he had seen that night in the library. She trusted him. Believed in him and he felt like as if her eyes would be the light that could lead him back home._

_He reached out and wrapped his arms around her pulling her closely against him. Needing to feel every inch of her warm softness against his body. He felt her wrap her arms around his neck and pull him down into her kiss. He held her as her tongue won the war for domination. He let her take the lead and he felt it. All her passion, all her emotion, her need and want for him poured into that kiss. Whatever they were. Whatever they had become they defiantly weren’t friends. A friend would never kiss him like she just did._

_Dean ran his hand down her strong back and over her soft ass before grabbing her thighs just below it and lifting her into the air. Making her gasp and laugh against his mouth as she recovered from her surprise. Dean broke the kiss first as he gently pressed her up against the wall and released his hold on her with one hand to stroke her wet hair out of her face. He needed to see her. All of her as he slowly pushed himself into her soft warm tightness._

_He looked into her eyes as her mouth felt slightly open and she let out a soft moan that went straight to his cock but he stayed still. Holding her close as he let her adjust to his seize. He fought the urge to say those three words he had never said to another woman since his mom died and even though he felt it he knew he couldn’t vocalize it. No matter how badly he wanted to. He could not lie that on her. Not now. Probably not ever. So instead he moved. Fucking her slowly and deeply against the wall as the warm water poured down over them. Rinsing away their worries and adding to the pleasure._

_His eyes never left her face. Not even when she closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the wall. He revealed in the soft expression of pleasure covering her every feature. Her pleasure only adding to his and knowing he brought it to her spurred him on and he picked up his pace ever so slightly and she shot forward wrapping her arms around his neck pushing herself closer against him. He kissed her as he felt her start to shiver beneath his touch and he knew she was close. He quickly moved the hand he weren’t holding her up with down between their body and pressed his thumb against her clit. The added pressure made her fall apart immediately clenching down around him moaning his name into his mouth and pulling Dean over the edge with her._

Dean got off the ground and wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. The memory of her sleeping in his bed. In this arms as he watched her. Slowly fading away. Giving way the feeling of betrayal when he found out she had lied to him. Helped Sam and Cas behind his back. They had gotten Charlie killed. As that thought entered his mind turned dark.

He got back into his car and drove. Drove until he reached a motel where he could clean up. Wash his friend’s blood of his hands. Her blood…. He bent down over the sink and he felt the hatred in him starting to change. He didn’t hate them. Neither of them. He hated himself! He had done this. He had taken on the mark. He had gotten himself killed and become a demon. He was the one not strong enough to fight it. Charlie getting killed was his fault. The last domino of the chain he had set into motion. As he scrubbed his hands he remembered the events of this afternoon. 

_“You killed him,” Cas kneeled down beside the kid’s dead body lying on the floor of the library._

_“I took down a monster,” Dean shrugged as he put away his gun, “because that is what I do. And I will continue to do that until…” he let his words trail of._

_“Until you become the monster,” Dean watched Cas stand in front of him and his body filled with hate of the man he once thought of as his best friend. “You can leave now Cas!”_

_Dean started to walk out of the room as Cas spoke insistently behind him, “No. I can’t. Because I am your friend!”_

_Words that felt like a mockery to Dean so he spun around to face the angel, “Really. Well let me ask you something. Do you screw over all your friends?!”_

_Castiel fought back only adding to Dean’s fury, “Sam, Y/N and I we were trying to cure you! We still are!”_

_Help him. They had Charlie killed. “Like hell!” “We can read the book now!” Cas informed him. His words came out almost like a plea but Dean didn’t care. He couldn’t care. All he could feel was the anger, the betrayal, the lies and grief masking itself as hate. “So what? So you might find a spell that might take might take this crab of my arm but even if you do. What’s it gonna cost? Cause magic like that does not come free. No it comes with a prize that you pay in blood. So thanks but I am good.” Dean had lost enough another blow and he would lose control completely and he knew it, but there were also just enough left of his old self inside his head to know he was not worth whatever prize Sam, Y/N and Cas had to pay for his mistakes. He had to go. Finish this however way he could on his own._

_The moment Cas’ hand forcefully landed on his shoulder to stop him he felt that part of him slipping away, “No. You’re not. Maybe you could fight the mark for years. Maybe centuries like Cain did. But you cannot fight it forever. And when you finally turn and you will turn. Sam. Y/N. And everyone you know and everyone you love. They could be long dead. Everyone except me. I am the one that will have to watch you murder the world. So if there is even a small chance that we can save you I won’t let you walk out of this room.”_

_Dean listened to his words but they didn’t sink in. He didn’t hear them the way he knew he would have before. All he heard was the angels hubris. “Oh you think you have a choice?”_

_“I think the mark is changing you!” Dean starred at the angel in front of him knowing he was right but unwilling to admit so, “you’re wrong.”_

_“Am I? Cause the Dean Winchester I know would never have murdered that kid!” Dean looked back. All emotion was drained from him. He simply didn’t care. He just wanted to leave the bunker and get as far away from it all as he possibly could, “Well that Dean’s always been kind of a dick.”_

_Dean felt Cas forceful hand land on his shoulder once more and he looked down at his hand feeling the anger bubble inside of him, “Dean I don’t want to have to hurt you!” Dean looked up into the angels face, “I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem!”_

_Dean grabbed his arm and hit him, “Dean!” Cas still didn’t give in so Dean kept hitting with Cas trying to defend himself against him until he knocked the angel enough of balance to throw him across the room. But Castiel got back up, “Dean. Stop!” The care in his voice was too much for Dean to handle so he charged him. Hitting him again and again, throwing him into a table and that was when he heard her._

_“Dean!! Don’t! Please,” Dean ignored her voice coming from the entrance of the bunker and he repeatedly slammed and yanked the angel clear of the table and onto the ground. “Dean!! I said stop!” he felt her hand on his shoulder trying to pull him of Castiel and he spun around connecting his fist with her jaw sending her flying backwards across the room knocking her head against the wall. He watched her emotionless for a few second before returning his attention to the angel. Kneeling down above him pulling his blade from his sleeve. “Dean please!” the angel begged him as he rose the blade over his head. Dean’s hand shook as he fought a war inside his mind. A war for control over the darkness. A war to remember who he once was. As he felt himself losing the war and rising the blade higher he heard her cries behind him, “Dean please don’t kill him!” and Dean stabbed the blade into the floor next to his friends head before getting up and leaving without looking back, “the three of you stay the hell away from me!”_

_He felt the fear of what he was becoming as he walked up the stairs to the sound of Y/N scuffling across the floor to Cas’ side calling out his name. He had lost her and he knew it._

Dean looked up into the mirror and he saw him. His best friend standing bloody and beaten by his hand in front of him. He flinched and looked down at his hands before looking into the mirror again and this time it was her. Tears were streaming down her face and her lip was split open. Finally the realization of what he had done dawned on him and he slammed his fist into the mirror. He knocked the phone of the wall and started trashing the room. Overwhelmed by grief. By hate and anger. But it was no longer directed toward his friend, his brother or the woman he loved. It was directed at himself. He was afraid. Afraid of what he had become. Of what he was becoming it he didn’t put an end to it now. He was done!

He was writing a note knowing they would eventually find their way to this room. Sam would find it. He wouldn’t stop looking. That is when he heard the door open behind him and he turned around surprised to see it was Y/N walking through the door and not his brother.

“Dean…” she lowered her gun and looked around the room with a terrified look on her face before her eyes found his and she reached out to him, “come with me! Let me take you home.” How could she forgive him? After all he had done! Why was she here and why did she have to look at him like that. He stepped towards her taking her hand. Just holding it as he watched her smile reassuringly, “Cas is fine. He healed himself. And me. I’m fine Dean.” He couldn’t take it anymore so he pushed her back against the wall. His sudden force made her gasp but she relaxed when he’s lips crashed against hers. He kissed her to let her know how sorry he was. To let her know how much he loved her. To distract her. He grabbed her hand and slid the cuff on her wrist and the other onto the radiator next to them and stepped away. It wall happened in the matter of seconds and it pained him to see the hurt and confused expression on her face, “Y/N I’m so sorry. For everything.”

“Dean don’t!” she did nothing to hide her grief and tears streamed down her face and it took every ounce of strength he had left in him to walk out of that door, “tell Sam I said goodbye.” A single tear slipped down his face as he heard her crying out his name, begging him not to leave her as he disappeared into the night. 


	4. Friends Drabble

“Cas?” you looked to the angel, “you sure you are alright?” His wounds were disappearing just like he had healed yours seconds ago. “Yes! I have to get back to Rowena! Go after him!”

You nodded and started running towards the garage hearing Cas call out after you, “Y/N wait for Sam to get there too. Don’t see him on your own!” Cas’ words were still sounding in your head as you jumped into one of the cars in the garage and shot through the tunnel. As you drove the memories flooded over you.

You mind’s eye showed you over and over how Dean had slammed Cas down onto that table and yanked him onto the ground. Your own words rung in your head, “Dean! Don’t! Please!” You felt the tears stream down your face as you remembered believing you could still reach him. That your love would be enough. Your body still remembered the pain from his fist hitting your face and the concrete wall the back of your head. You remembered the fear you had felt when you saw Dean pull the angel blade from Cas’ sleeve and hold it over your friends head. Cas! The only person you had ever entrusted with you and Dean’s secret. The man you had hunted with. Searched for Cain along side. The only one in this world that you trusted with your life other than the Winchester brothers. You had thought Dean was going to kill him and you had screamed in a voice you could barely recognized, “Dean please don’t kill him!”

He hadn’t. He had stopped. Walked out and you had rushed to Cas’ side. Crying. For the angel. And for the man you thought you had lost, but you weren’t ready to give up. Not yet. Rowena had cracked the code. Her and Cas would get the mark of his arm and you and Sam would find him. You had gotten him back once. You could do it again! You couldn’t lose him!

You remembered those first few month you spend in the bunker with him. The excitement of sneaking into each other’s rooms in the middle of the night. How Dean had put him arms around you in the kitchen when Sam or Cas weren’t looking and whispered an invitation into your ear before retreating to his room. You remembered his laughter and the safety and warmth his hands had provided. You weren’t friends any longer. You were something more than that. Something both of you had been too scared to lose to ever admit to.  A tear streamed down your face as you saw that those same hands that once had made you feel so safe and loved beat up your friend. Those same hands he had used to caress your face as you feel asleep in his arms had crashed against your jaw and send you flying through the bunker. You quickly brushed away the tears with the back of your hand as you forced yourself to remember that man wasn’t Dean. Not really. He was still in there behind the darkness of the mark somewhere and you were going to get that Dean back. Your Dean.

You tried to force away the memory of that night. The night you had really started to fear. Not him, not really. The mark. You remembered how Sam had been close to tears telling you about the slaughter house they had walked into. How all those men that had been holding Claire had been killed. How Dean was just kneeling among them. You had seen the fear in Sam’s eyes and the desperation in Cas’ but you had refused to believe them. You had still thought Dean could fight whatever the mark tried to do to him right up until you walked into his room that night. You remembered the force he had pressed you against the door with. The roughness he had slammed into you with and the bruises he had left behind him. You had led him take you and you had even tried to ease his pain after. You had seen how much his actions hurt him when he realized what he had done to you but it was too late. He had lost control with you and you knew the mark had to go. You had said nothing to him. You had let him kiss you and make love to you. Apologizing in his own way but you knew he was changing. That the mark was changing him and you had started to fear you would lose him forever.  

You thought back to that night after you and Cas had returned. As you tried to force yourself to believe in him. Remember how strong the real Dean really was. You remembered how you had wanted to tell him you loved him that night before he walked into the fight with Cain. A fight you had thought would chance him forever. But you couldn’t and it hadn’t. He had still been Dean when you came to him in the shower that night. You closed your eyes as you pulled up in front of the motel. Remembering how his hands had felt against your skin that night. You saw him behind your eye lids. His strong arms. The lines of his muscles. The way the water brought out his freckles and how the sadness in his green eyes had been replaced with lust and love as he took you against the wall in the shower. You remembered the softness of his rough hands and the need to feel every inch of him closely against him. You remembered how proud you had been of him that night and how much you had loved him.

You held on to that feeling as you got out of the car, pulling your gun and slowly walking towards the motel room.  

Your mouth fell open when you walked inside. Furniture were scattered all over the room. You didn’t need to see his face to feel his pain. It was scattered all over the room. You lowered your gun even before your eyes found his. He was fighting back his tears and you knew Dean, your Dean was still here. No matter how much control the mark had over him – he wasn’t lost. “Dean…” you spoke as softly as you could as you reached out your hand to him as you offered him a way home. You saw Dean struggle with himself and you send him a sad smile as he took your hand.  “Cas is fine. He healed himself. And me. I’m fine Dean.” You let out a gasp as he suddenly pushed you back against the wall but your fear left you as quickly as it had appeared when his lips found yours. You closed your eyes as you poured all of your love into that kiss. You didn’t notice before it was too late what he was trying to do. The betrayal cut deep into your head as you stood cuffed to the radiator. “Dean don’t” you begged him as you felt your heart break. He was still Dean. You saw that and you knew that if he walked out that door it would be goodbye. He could no longer control the mark and he knew that so he was going to do something stupid. You fell to the ground crying out his name struggling to breath as you watched him walk out into the night. Leaving you behind.


	5. Kiss Me

Dean was sitting on a concrete block looking over the ocean and the old run down peer. His mind was a jumble as he tried to understand the events of the past few days. He thought about Y/N’s words. How calm and collected yet furious she had appeared that night she had left. How she had returned and how he had found her in the kitchen with Sam that morning. Buried in some old documents and with all the coffee gone. Dean knew she had been there all night but he didn’t ask her about it and she had acted like nothing had happened. He had been grumpy as hell when they both started throwing Nazi trivia at him and the feeling hadn’t just been brought on by the lack of caffeine. 

He was hurt she hadn’t come to him. She had returned to the bunker sometime last night or maybe even in the middle of the night and she had went for Sam’s room not his. It wasn’t jealousy he was feeling. Not exactly anyway. She and Sam were close. They always had been. They were friends and Dean always loved that. It was because of the way she had left. She had packed her things and ran off leaving him frozen in the middle of the room and now she had returned. In the middle of the night and she had woken up his brother and not him. She was sitting right there next to Sam talking to him like nothing had happened. Pretending that she hadn’t overheard the brothers talking about Amara at the motel that day. Like she hadn’t been quiet all the way home in the car. Like she hadn’t went straight for her room when they got back. Like Dean hadn’t followed her. 

_“Hey talk to me! What is happening!” Dean stood in the middle of her room watching her throw her cloth into her duffel bag on the bed. He reached out to her but she just shoved his hand aside and kept packing._

_“Y/N please?! What did I do?” Dean was getting desperate. He couldn’t let her leave like that. Not without at least knowing what he did to cause her to feel like this. She wasn’t crying but she was hurting. He could see it in her eyes. But she was also furious. He needed to know what he had done to make her feel like that. He needed to know so he could make things better._

_“You didn’t do anything Dean!” She kept packing and she didn’t even look at him. Her words confused him even more. Why the hell did women always do that? Clearly she was pissed. Not just pissed she was pissed at him since she barely looked at him as she rushed from one side of the room to the other. Why the hell couldn’t she just tell him so he could apologize and make it up to her somehow? “Look whatever I did… Y/N I am sorry!” Her eyes shot up from the bag and if looks really could kill he would have dropped to the floor right then and there. No way Sam would have been able to bring him back from that one either. “Dean I told you! You didn’t do anything so stop apologizing!”_

__Dean thought back over the last 24 hours. He had to have done something. Then he remembered Melissa and the kiss. Crap! He had kissed another woman right in front of her. He hadn’t even thought about it. He had just acted. He needed to get the spell and the qareen of Melissa’s trail and kissing her had been the only way he could think of to do so. Dean frowned as he remembered the aftermath of that. Sam had been pissed but Y/N hadn’t. She had tried to calm Sam down so why was she acting like this now?_   
_

___“Y/N I am sorry I kissed Melissa. I didn’t think. I just…” He watched her zip up her bag and throw it over her shoulder. Her expression had softened a bit when she turned to face him, “you did it to save her. I don’t care about that. Besides I have no right to tell you who you can and cannot kiss. You are not my boyfriend Dean.” Her words hit him like a sledgehammer. He knew that they had never talked about them being anything to each other. He had no right to be hurt by her words. Hell he was lucky she had even come back to the bunker let alone his bed after all the crap he had put her through during the past few years but it still hurt. He wanted to ask her to stay. He wanted to tell her he loved her, but it was all he could do to gather up the strength to reach out for her arm and stop her when she tried to pass him. “Then why?!”_   
_ _

_Dean watched the anger return to her face and the tears build up behind her eyes. “Because I heard you Dean! I heard you talking to Sam! I know you saw Amara.” Dean could hardly breathe. There was no way he was going to be able to explain his way out of that one. He didn’t even understand the connection or whatever it was he felt to The Darkness himself so how could he stop Y/N from walking out. How could he make her understand something he didn’t himself?_

_Her expression had softened for a few seconds and her words hit him almost as hard as her first ones had. “I don’t blame you Dean! I blame me! Us. Cas, Sam and I! We let her out. We did this! And I am going to find a way to stop her.” Anger returned to her eyes as she spoke again, “I don’t care whose frikkin sister she is! She can’t have you!”_

__And with those words she had been gone. She left the bunker and Dean standing paralyzed in the middle of her room. He had wanted to tell her that Amara meant nothing to him but he also knew as true as that was in this moment. In this moment when he wanted nothing more than put his hands around her neck and strangle the life out of her. He wouldn’t be able to when she was in front of him. When she was in front of him she defiantly meant something. He had wanted to tell Y/N it had nothing to do with desire or love. Those feelings he reserved for her. He wanted to tell her to kiss him like she wanted him to love her. That what he felt with her was the feeling of falling in love but he couldn’t tell her that. He couldn’t put her in greater danger than she already was and her words had paralyzed him. “She can’t have you!”_   
_

Dean stared into the air when he remembered the submarine and how Y/N and Sam had been reluctant to let him go alone but Dean knew that right now. In this war he was their least valuable piece. He couldn’t kill her. Sam could. Y/N would jump at the opportunity. If something happened to him and Cas. He needed both of them back here with each other. Keeping each other safe and finishing the fight he couldn’t. 

Dean didn’t look up when his brother sat down next to him. “So…” Dean’s voice was empty when he replied, “so… Cas!” “Yeah,” Sam stared into the air just like Dean was doing until he slowly turned to look at his brother with that same look he had had on his face whenever the brothers had broken something at a motel John had left them at or that time they had accidentally set fire to one of his old police files. “What do we do?” Just like when they were kids Dean didn’t have a good answer but he knew he had to come up with one to make Sam feel more at ease, “What else?” His voice was lower than usual and riddled with grief as he spoke, “Y/N is back there angel proofing the bunker. We hunt Lucifer – trap the bastard and save Cas.”

Sam sounded careful but determent when he spoke again, “Like I said Lucifer might be in control now but Cas may not come back willingly. I mean he chose it.” Dean turned his head away not wanting to face his brother or the reality of his words. If Cas really felt that worthless it would be his fault. He had done that to him that night in the bunker. He had almost killed his best friend and maybe he had taken a piece of him too that night. No he couldn’t believe that. Cas would be fine. He had too. “No. No not possible…” 

Sam took a deep breath and Dean knew he had something else on his mind. He was just giving him time to process the words he had just spoken before speaking again, “And Y/N?” Dean turned his head to look his brother in the eye, “What about her?” “What’s going on between the two of you? You two have barely spoken two words to each other since she came back to the bunker if it hasn’t been about the case.”

Dean stared back onto the ocean battling with himself how much he such share with his brother. “She heard us talking after the qareen thing,” Dean’s voice was barely audible but Sam surprised him just as he had back then, “yeah the way she left I figured as much.” Sam took break letting Dean once more process his thoughts before speaking, “but you love her.” It wasn’t a question as much as a statement so Dean just nodded, “but it doesn’t matter. She deserves better. After everything I put her through. I am not dragging her through this with me too. Not like that.” Sam sent his brother a careful smile, “do you really think you have any choice in that matter either?” Dean shot his brother a confused look wondering what the hell he was talking about. Y/N was just a girl. One hell of a hunter but still she was just a girl not some deity.

“Look Dean she has stayed by you for this long and I am guessing you never have let her know how you feel?” Dean didn’t answer he just looked back to the sea. “That’s what I thought.” Sam continued, “no matter if you tell her or not she is in this with you. Maybe telling her would ease her pain not add to it?” Dean had no idea how to respond as Sam’s words jumbled in his brain. Maybe he was right. She was still here. Maybe she really did feel what he felt. Maybe telling her how he felt wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Maybe she could help him fight the hold Amara had on him but he couldn’t ask that of her. Not now. Not after Cas… He was her friend as much as his. They had grown close and he knew she had to be falling apart. Blaming herself for Cas’ choice as much as he was himself. 

Sam must have sensed his struggles because he changed the subject, “So how did you get through today? I mean what did you do?” The pain returned to his chest as he remember how little he had done and how badly he had wanted to save those people. “Nothing. Sam they… I was just a witness,” Dean was fighting back his tears as he spoke. “Do you wanna talk about it,” Sam offered but Dean slowly shook his head. He didn’t have the energy to relive it all, “No. No story for another day.” Sam slowly got up and Dean suddenly remembered something, “Hey, the, uh… The German ship that sank the Bluefin, what happened to it?” Sam stopped and looked down at his brother, “It went down. Unlike the sub, its wreckage was found. Um, there was a giant hole that’d been ripped through the entire thing. Something must have hit the fuel tanks and exploded. But it burned. Sank.” 

Dean kept staring out into the sea as he heard his brother walk of and felt him in passing place a friendly slap on his shoulder. He smiled as he looked down and the wood in his hands as he remembered Delphine and how she had reminded him of Y/N. Her strength and her courage. At least their death had not been in vein. At least she had managed to take the damn ship down with them. He smiled again as he remembered the look of disbelief on Delphine’s face when he had told them he was from the future and how quickly it had faded and turned into acceptance. He remembered the look of disbelief on Y/N’s face that night she had stormed into the bunker.

After Cas had started to get better. After Rowena had lifted the spell she had left them to go hunting on her own and to look for answers about the darkness. Dean has suspected she needed some space after what had happened that night he had almost beat Cas to death and almost killed his brother. The night he had left her chained to the radiator in his motelroom. Sam had told him that she had went to help Cas after he had freed her and she had called them later when she had found Crowley’s body on the floor with no demon in it. She had taken off looking for Cas and his trail had led her back to the bunker moments after they had arrived. She had spent the next few days with them. Taking care of Cas and searching for Rowena alongside the boys but neither her nor Dean had mentioned what had happened that night. How she had watched him beat Cas, how he had hit her or chained her up. Dean had wanted to say something. To apologies so many times but he couldn’t. He hadn’t known where to begin. So he kept his distance and stayed in his own room during the nights just like she had stayed in hers until Cas had started getting better and she left. Dean closed his eyes and remembered how relieved he had been when she had busted through the doors to the bunker. On Valentine’s day none the lees. She had been yelling at both him and Sam already before she made it all the way down the stairs.

 _“Tell me the demon I caught 3 days ago were lying! Tell me you didn’t go to hell without as much as calling me?” She had stared from Dean to Sam and the guilty looks on both their faces must have told her all she needed to know because she had continued before either of them had a chance to speak. “Really?! Sam have you lost your mind? Into the cage??” before Dean had a chance to speak she twirled around to face him, “and YOU?! You let him? What the hell is wrong with you?!” Dean’s eyes opened wide and he quickly held up his hands in defense, “first of all I didn’t let him do anything!” “And we are fine Y/N! Nothing happened! We all made it out!” Sam took over and her death glare turned to him. “I don’t care if you had gained wings and learned to shoot rainbows out of your asses from that trip. Next time you pick up the frikkin phone and you call me! You got it?!” Both brothers quickly nodded in agreement and started apologizing but she just twirled around on her heels and headed down the hallway and seconds later the door to her room slammed behind her leaving Dean and Sam baffled and sharing a confused look in the library. No one not even Jody had talked to them like that since Bobby died. Dean weren’t sure what that outburst of hers made him feel. He was relieved she was safe and kinda proud how the courage she had just shown, but he also worried that she cared so much. It would be better if she didn’t. She would be safer if she didn’t._  

 _The brothers had stayed in the library that day. Either of them hardly daring to move. Dean tried to focus on some movie on his laptop and Sam with a book in his hands. Every so often they looked at each other but neither of them had dared to speak since Y/N had gotten back. When night closed in Sam finally said something, “you know one of us have do go talk to her right?” Dean took a deep breath and looked at his watch, “I am heading out. Maybe I should see if she wants to come with?” Dean sent Sam a bitchface as he spoke sounding a little too eager, “that sounds like a great idea Dean. It would be good for her to get out for a bit.”_  

Dean stayed seated as he remembered how he had knocked on her door and slowly entered to find her sitting on her bed with her headphones on. She had stayed on the bed and only looked up for a second when he walked through the door. He smiled as he remembered the sulking expression on her face as he had sat down on the bed next to her and gently removed her headphones before taking her hand and pulling her on her feet. She had asked him where they were going but Dean had just smiled as he lead her through the bunker, saying goodnight to Sam as they passed him on their way to the garage.

They still hadn’t spoken a word to each other as they sat in one of the booth at the local bar with a beer in front of each of them. Dean had been determent to wait her out. He knew she would speak eventually and him trying to guess how she had been feeling would only make things worse. She would tell him in her own time and she had. Half way through her second beer she had started talking and Dean had almost drawn a sigh of relief as she ended the silence. 

_“I left because I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t watch you guys hurt each other anymore! When Cas beat you up at that warehouse…” Dean quickly reached across the table and took her hands into his, “that wasn’t Cas sweetheart. Not really!”_

_She nodded and Dean felt his heart breaking for her as he saw her fight to hold back her tears. He didn’t ever want her to feel like she had to hold back with him. More than that he just hated to see that pain that was written all over her face. Pain he knew he had helped put there._

_“I know Dean and I know you weren’t you when…” her words trailed of and she looked up into his eyes, “but you are you again right?” Dean smiled at her and nodded. Not wanting to speak. Not wanting to interrupt her. “Then you should have called me. You could have gotten hurt. Sam or Cas could have gotten hurt and if you had and I weren’t there… If I could have done something to stop it…” Dean squeezed her hands as he watched her. He hated she felt like she had to protect them. He wished he could make her see that she didn’t have to do that. But he also knew he couldn’t. In that aspect she was too much like him. She didn’t let people in easily but when she did she loved fiercely and fought to keep them safe. He knew that feeling. Hell he practically was that feeling. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for Sam or Cas. For her._

_Dean got up. He knew he couldn’t chance her mind. He couldn’t chance who she was nor did he want to but he could make her forget. So he did. He danced with her and touched her. They got drunk together and he allowed himself to be near her again. To make her laughter fill his heart as she beat him at darts. He took her hand and let her back to the car and pressed her back against it. Kissing her for the first time in months. For the first time since he had left her that night and for the first time in a long time he could let go. He stopped thinking as he felt he ran his hands under her shirt. There was nothing but her and the sweat taste of her tongue dancing with his. Nothing but the way her nails felt slowly running through his hair. This felt like falling in love and Dean allowed himself to feel it. To let go and just be in the moment with her. There was no longer a mark on his arm he had to keep in check. There was just him and her and the way her body felt tightly pressed against his._

Dean could almost feel the kiss and the way she had affected him that night as he sat on the dock thinking back. He remembered how she had sat closely against him in the car as he raised them back to the bunker. He remembered how she teasingly had nibbled his ear and kissed his neck before biting and sucking down leaving a mark on his skin and almost making him drive of the damn road. 

 _Their lips had barely broken contact since they are left the car. They all but danced through the library trying to make it to the hallway without breaking contact. That mission had failed when Dean bumped into one of the tables knocking over a lamp. The loud noise sounded through the bunker and both of them froze. Dean’s fear of getting caught went away as quickly as it was brought on and his heart swelled as he felt her leaning against him, hiding her face and giggling against his chest. “Oh that’s funny is it?” Dean smiled down watching her nod against him before he bend down placing one hand under her knees and the other on her back. Swooping her up into his arms making her muffle a slight squeal against his shoulder._  

_Dean kept looking into her eyes as he carried her down the hall and into his room. He kicked his door closed with his foot before gently laying her down on his bed, but before he had a chance to follow her she sat back up with a wicked grin on her face. He watched her slowly undo his pants and he felt his desire and lust for her build in his stomach as she hungrily licked her lips at the sight of the bulge in his boxers. He hissed as she lovingly rubbed her face against him before pulling them down to his knees. She looked up into his eyes as she started stroking him. Her eyes were dark with lust but there was something else in them too. Love? Dean stopped wondering the moment she licked him all the way from the root to his head making him groan in pleasure. He tangled his hand in her hair as she took him into her mouth and let himself get completely lost in the pleasure she brought to him and before long he came in her mouth. Harder and faster than ever before and he let out a sound so animalistic he for a second doubted it had been his own voice but she just smiled up at him._

__Dean made quick work of riding both of them of their cloth before shoving her back down on the bed and kneeling on the ground between her legs. God she was beautiful. He reveled in the trust and desire in her eyes as he helped her legs up to rest on his shoulders. He kissed her thighs sucking down on her skin leaving marks just like she had on him in the car. He gently licked her folds in between returning his attention to her thighs until she was squirming beneath him and begging for more. He loved when she did that. He loved how lost she let herself get in these stolen moments with him. So he obliged her. He sucked down on her clit making her moan loudly before trusting his tongue into her. He knew what she liked and what she needed and he was more than happy to give it to her. He made her come twice before he reluctantly allowed her to pull him up into the bed with her._   
_

___As he hovered over her and she gently caressed his face he remembered all he had felt towards her. He remembered the truths they had shared the first night she found her way into his bed. He remembered the lust and the need that had overtaken him that night he pinned he against the wall and used her for his own release. The hate that hadn’t really been his. He knew what he was feeling right now was none of those. It was love. He loved her so much but he was afraid to tell her that. Afraid it would scare her away. Afraid what it would mean if he allowed himself to be happy with her. Afraid he would lose her. So instead he kissed her. Passionately and tenderly._   
_ _

____Dean rolled onto his back pulling her with him. He wanted her to know that he was himself again. He hadn’t allowed her control in a long time because he couldn’t. He hadn’t been able to let himself go like that because he had been afraid of what would happen. What the mark would do to him… make him do to her if he did, but tonight he could. So he watched her as she let him fill her up. Loving the pleasure on her face as she threw her head back and the feel of her fingers digging into his chest. He ran his hands all over her body as she rode him. Taking what she needed from him. When they came together she fell forward resting her head against his neck. Dean felt her fast heartbeat against his chest as she kissed him. He held her and silently wished they could stay just like this forever._    
_ _ _

He smiled as he remembered the mark she had left on his neck had not gone unnoticed by Sam the next morning after he had went to the kitchen to try and distract his brother like so many times before giving her time to sneak back to her room. The amounts the two of them had downed the night before had made it slightly difficult to focus on any sort of distraction though. Even getting his socks on straight had proved to be a challenge. 

_“Is that a hickey?” Sam tried to look annoyed but the amusement slipped through in his voice. “And?” Dean tried his best to brush of Sam’s comment, “it was Valentine’s day. I can’t help it if I am a hopeless romantic.”_

_“You got half of that right,” Dean ignored his brother’s snarky comment as he went for the coffee but his second one caught his attention, “are we really gonna pretend like I don’t know who put that there? How old are you two again? Sneaking around for months and now hickeys?”_

_Dean fought to come up with a good excuse but he was simply to hungover to think straight so he figured what the hell as he sat down in front of his brother, “2 years actually,” Dean smirked at the surprised look on his brother’s face and winked at him. “Seriously?!” “Yeah but could you pretend you don’t know? The secrecy is her thing and I would kinda like the beast with two backs to keep showing up for the hunt if you know what I mean!” Sam sent Dean a disgusted look, “wow classy Dean!” but Dean just shrugged, “I need a shower! If I hurry I can make her feel like she’s going over Niagara Falls!”_

_Dean let out a satisfied laugh as he saw the horrified look on his brother’s face, “thanks Dean. Not that image is burned it to my brain!_

As all the memories rushed over him he began to realize there was no need for him… for them to try and keep whatever this thing between them was a secret anymore. He wanted to be with her before it was too late. Sam was right. He needed to tell her how he felt before the world burned or before Amara turned him into something he wasn’t again. He needed her to be safe but he also needed her to have something to hold on to in the midst of all the darkness. For him to be her safety.

Dean made his way back to the bunker where he found Sam sitting alone in the library, “where is she? Where is Y/N?” Dean looked around the room and at the newly painted symbols. The expression on Sam’s face made him worry. Fear that she might have taken off again before he had the chance to say what he needed to say to her. He felt a wave of relief wash over him as Sam finally spoke, “she’s in her room. She is not doing to good Dean!”

He nodded and gave his brother a friendly pat on the shoulder as he passed him and made his way down the hall. He slowly knocked on her door before he opened it. His heart almost stopped at the sight that met him. Her room was a mess. She had taken all of her anger and frustration out on everything within her reach. She stood before him with tears streaming down her eyes and all he could think of was to pull her into his arms. To make her feel safe and warm but he couldn’t because he felt the same pain she did. He felt as cold as the wind outside and he didn’t know what to do. She stared at him and his heart broke with her words, “why do you have to do that? Why? Why do you think you have to do everything by yourselves! Sam going into the cage, Cas saying yes.” Her voice almost broke as her next sentence fell from her lips, “you taking on the mark! Why can’t you just let me in?!” Dean knew she was no longer speaking of his brother or the angel. She meant him. He shook his head and walked across the room to take her hand. Quietly he sat down on the edge of her bed and guided her to straddle his lap. She let him but she still weren’t looking at him. “I don’t know why I couldn’t. I am use to taking care of others. I suck at letting people take care of me.” She looked into his eyes. The anger was gone but the pain was still there, “well you are going to have to learn!”

Dean smiled at her and wiped the tears of her face with his thumbs as he cupped her face. “I know!” He didn’t know what else to say so he kissed her. Tenderly and sweetly letting her know he wanted her to love him. He felt her heartbeat steady against his chest and he hugged he tightly against him. She slowly broke the kiss and let her head fall down to rest on his shoulder. Her breath was warm against his neck and he closed his eyes as he let out the words he had wanted to say to her for so long but had been too afraid to. “I love you Y/N!” He felt her stop breathing for a second before whispering against his skin, “I love you too Dean.” Suddenly Dean felt like a burden had been lifted. They could do this together. Her and Sam. They were all he needed. They would get Cas back and they would beat the Darkness. They would be enough. As long as he had her and his brother. He would be strong enough. He would be her safety! 


	6. Kiss Me Drabble

You drew the symbols much like a robot. When he had drawn the first one it became muscle memory and you stopped thinking. About the symbols at least.

Your thoughts were still with your friends. With Sam and how had went into the cage without them warning you. With Cas. Stupid sweet Cas!! You knew he was hurting but you had no idea it had been so bad. How could he have done that? How could he have said yes?!

When Dean had bore the mark Cas had been your best friend. The one you would always turn too. You hadn’t wanted to worry Sam more than he already was and somehow Cas had just know about you and Dean so it had felt natural to vent to him. He had been your shoulder and your rock. Why hadn’t he come to you? If he was really feeling that low. Before making a decision like that? Why didn’t he come to you?

You kept focusing on Cas not to think about her. The Darkness. Amara. You didn’t want to think about the hold she had on Dean. You weren’t blaming him. How could you? But that bond. That connection. Whatever you were gonna call it scared you. Hell it angered you! He was finally himself! You finally after so long had your Dean back and know some all-powerful deity threaten to take him away from you again. NO!

****

You hadn’t realized you were crying not until you saw the expression on Sam’s face when he walked through the door.

You threw the bottle you were holding at him and hissed you didn’t need his or anybody’s pity just their honesty before you felt to your room.

You stopped in the middle of the room. You were seeing him everywhere. Seeing him smiling at your bed as you yelled at him over his choice in movie. You felt him press you against the wall and kiss you. You felt his hands against your skin as you remembered how the two of you had rolled around on your bed laughing and struggling for control.

You loved him. Even if you had never told him. Even if he had never or could never love you back. You loved him. And you couldn’t lose him.

Your anger started boiling inside you again and you kicked your chair to the ground and threw the lap to the floor. You continued throwing things around until you found no more things to throw or break.

You froze in the middle of the room with tears still streaming down your face staring at the door that slowly opened and it was if your pain was mirrored on his face.

He just stood there looking at you and then you spoke in a voice you barely recognized “why do you have to do that? Why? Why do you think you have to do everything by yourselves! Sam going into the cage, Cas saying yes. You taking on the mark! Why can’t you just let me in?!”

Dean didn’t answer he just walked across the room and took your hand. He guided you to straddle his lap but you didn’t look at him. You couldn’t. It hurt too much.

“I don’t know why I couldn’t. I am use to taking care of others. I suck at letting people take care of me.”

You looked up and your eyes found his. The pain and love was evident in his beautiful green orbs and all your anger left you. Not the pain you were feeling but you were no longer angry with him.

“Well you are going to have to learn!” You tried to make him hear how much you cared without actually saying the words. Every fiber in your being was screaming at you to tell him how much you loved him but you couldn’t. You were too scared to lose him. Scared he wouldn’t feel the same. Scared he would walk out.

“I know!”

That was all he said before he kissed her. So tenderly and sweetly it made you wanna cry. Different tears this time. Slowly but surely his warm touch and soft lips calmed you and when you broke your kiss your hid your face against his neck breathing him in.

You felt his grip around you tighten for a few seconds and then he said it. He said what you were feeling and you almost stopped breathing, “I love you Y/N.”

You didn’t move. You didn’t let go of him. You never wanted to let go or have this moment end. Instead you whispered the words you have wanted to say to him for so long into his ear and as soon as they left your mouth you felt him relax beneath you, “I love you too, Dean!”


End file.
